I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
