11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
