you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I would ride that face into the sunset
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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