Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
