I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
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