I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
