I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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