Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
