i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
