in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
