Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
