i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
