Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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