mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My hand turned me down
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
