All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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