You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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