i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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