you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
