If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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