I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
