Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
