Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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