I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
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I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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