His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize