captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default