Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
