I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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