Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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