nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
