Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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