Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
