Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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