My liver just broke up with me...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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