Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
