this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Randomize
