Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
