Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
