whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
