this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
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Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
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I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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