Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
