after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
