i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
