party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
