I have demons in me.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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