Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
