i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
