I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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