Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
