Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Randomize
