I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
