I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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