i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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