I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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