Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
