I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
